Divorce Recovery with Wendy Sterling

In this episode of We Chat Divorce we are thrilled to welcome Wendy Sterling.

Wendy is a Divorce Recovery Specialist, certified ThetaHealing Practitioner, podcaster, writer, author, and speaker who founded of The Divorce Rehab™. Wendy helps divorced women recover from their divorce by finding their true identity and voice by ending their pity party, mourning the loss of their marriage, to create a new and better life they design. After her own unexpected divorce and finding the world of coaching, she realized she could combine her 20 years of experience in Corporate America as a leader with this new coaching methodology and make a profound impact in the world.  She helps women see their divorce as a gift, it happens FOR them not TO them.

Let’s Chat –

• Discovering Your Identity
• Gain Self Esteem to Move Forward After Divorce
• Celebrate Those “Little” Victories th
• POWER in the PAUSE – Divorce Is Not an Emergency
• Where Can You Find Resources?
• Is Divorce Recovery Possible?

Wendy Sterling is hosting a fantastic LIVE EVENT with an all-star
expert guest line up! The LIVE SHOW called Divorce & Narcissism: How to Communicate,
Set Boundaries and Get What You NEED from a Narcissist airs Tuesday, September 29th!

Enjoy FREE ACCESS by clicking the link to register – https://www.wendysterling.net/divorce-and-narcissism-live

We will see you there!

*** if you would like access Wendy Sterling’s Beyond Divorce Online Summit , go ahead and email her at wendy@wendysterling.net

If you have questions for us or a topic you’d like us to cover, contact us at hello@mydivorcesolution.com or visit MyDivorceSolution.com 

Karen Chellew:

Hello everyone. Today Catherine and I would like to welcome Wendy Sterling to We Chat Divorce.

Wendy Sterling:

Hi guys. Thank you for having me.

Catherine Shanahan:

Oh my gosh, so nice to see you. Thanks for coming.

Wendy Sterling:

Of course. You guys …

Karen Chellew:

[inaudible 00:00:17] yesterday we were just having a conversation on your podcast.

Wendy Sterling:

I know, it does, doesn’t it? It’s so … I love it.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah. So to all our listeners, Wendy is a divorce recovering specialist, certified [inaudible 00:00:31] healing practitioner, podcaster, writer, author and speaker who founded The Divorce Rehab. So welcome.

Wendy Sterling:

Thank you. Again, super happy to be here and be of service to your listeners.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah. And today we’re talking about the divorce recovery.

Catherine Shanahan:

Which I find hysterical. Is there really recovery in divorce? And when does it happen? I know those are the two biggest questions that everybody asks because everyone sees where Karen and I are today because we’ve experienced divorce. And they think it just happens overnight. You end up being on to your new life. So let’s talk about that.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. I always say, if there was that magic pill, I would be a gazillionaire by now. I wish it was that simple, but honestly it’s not. The divorce recovery process, it is exactly that. It is a process. it is a marathon. It is not a spring. And it’s one that I do feel like you trained for, for a long period of time. And that roadmap is very different for everybody, right? But think about it, when you’re training for a marathon, you don’t just work out by yourself. You hire a trainer, you hire a nutritionist, you hire whoever else, a mindset coach, right?

Wendy Sterling:

So just like you would train for a marathon, right, you when you’re going through divorce it’s very similar. You have to have a team. And part of that too is that in the recovery process what people don’t necessarily I think realize at the onset is the emotional, how deep the emotional wounds are. And it tends to all come out because divorce is a trauma. And it’s not just a divorce from your spouse, you’re mourning the loss of so many other things. It’s not just your marriage. It’s in some cases losing your best friend. It’s losing the family that you have fostered and nurtured and grown.

Wendy Sterling:

It’s losing your dreams, your hopes, your future, everything that you had envisioned is gone. So it’s not like it’s just an easy peasy one thing done. It’s there’s so many different layers. And I equate it to the recovery process is really about peeling back multiple layers of emotions that you aren’t necessarily aware of. And a lot of times I find that a lot of my clients have a hard time naming it. The reason being that, we get stuck in our heads. We get stuck in our heads, we replay stories. We stay in the past. And so a lot of the work that I do is helping my clients to really stop the storytelling, and to start focusing on where it is that they want to go.

Wendy Sterling:

It doesn’t mean that we don’t deal with the emotions or allow space for it. I do. And then we move you out of it because you could stay there forever if you so choose. But it’s not serving you in the recovery process. So it’s really important to understand that it does take time. It does take work. And what I have found and is a big piece of my business is, it takes commitment and it takes accountability. And if those two things are not present, you’re going to stay stuck.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah. It’s interesting, I ran a half a marathon with my daughter a few years ago. And my husband trained me for that. And how he trained me was, in my head it was a one, two, one, two. So that was my only pace. It didn’t matter if you were going one, two, three, four or you were going one, two, three, my pace was one, two. And I remember that when I was almost getting to the marathon part where I was so tired, half marathon, which was killing me, there was a couple running to my left. And they were running that one, two pace. I don’t know who they are, but they were on my exact same pace.

Catherine Shanahan:

So I was able to complete it. But in divorce, I feel like when everyone’s trying to follow the pace of their friend or the pace of the process or the pace of whatever they think that they should be following, it doesn’t work because you have to move at your own pace. And when you talk about those layers, it’s okay to fall back, isn’t it? Because I can remember even myself, I was very heard about a friend who I thought was a friend, who ended up friending my ex and his girlfriend when they didn’t have any relationship before.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

And it doesn’t bother me anymore when I bring it up. It used to sting so badly. But now eight years removed, each year there was less sting to it.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

So it didn’t mean that my mind wasn’t going to go there again, because we all go back. It’s a matter of how long you stay there I guess.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. And I think what people also have a hard time doing is staying out of judgment of their own thoughts. It is … I say that it’s kind of everybody has their own roadmap, or you can look at it as it’s their own dance, right? Sometimes you may take two steps forward and then one step back. And then three steps forward and then two steps back. And a lot of that, it’s okay. And it’s not about judging yourself or getting upset or disappointed. It’s really understanding that new things come up that you don’t expect, that you can’t plan for, that you don’t know. And it sets you back.

Wendy Sterling:

But the important piece is having the tools to know how to pick yourself back up and continue the forward momentum. But what ends up happening when people try to lone wolf it, is every time they have a setback, they beat themselves up. Negative self-talk, and then they keep moving backwards because they keep beating themselves up. Versus, okay, acknowledging okay, something just triggered me, or I wasn’t expecting to feel this today. Okay, took a step back, but okay, let’s sit in it. Get curious about it. What is it that came up? And then mourn it, cry, yell, whatever it is that you need to do, and then pick yourself back up and go, okay.

Wendy Sterling:

Guess what? I get to celebrate the fact that I noticed. I took a step back. But I now am acknowledging and celebrating the fact that okay, I get to start new tomorrow. Every day is a new day. And instead of looking at it as, ugh, I suck. Why am I back here? Why am I doing this? It’s really about okay, I acknowledge it, and now tomorrow I’m going to approach the day differently. And it’s all in your mind.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah. I like what you said though. You said something really good.

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Catherine Shanahan:

It’s celebrate that little victory.

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Catherine Shanahan:

We forget to stop and say, you know what, I’m proud of myself for getting dressed and putting makeup on today. If that’s all I could do that day. Or I’m proud of myself for this didn’t bother me. We always forget to celebrate for ourselves those little steps forward because they really end up being huge steps.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. For example, I was talking to a client the other day and we were talking, and she goes, “I feel like I’m not moving forward.” And I said to her and I was like, okay, can we just recap everything you just told me you’ve done since our last conversation? And there were five things that she had done in her divorce process, right, that she was just totally oblivious to. And I was like, hold on a second. I’m like, you just told me you did one, two, three, four, five things. And you’re telling me you’re stuck. I was like, so explain to me how what you’ve done means you’re stuck.

Wendy Sterling:

And she was like, well but, we haven’t filed yet.” And I said, okay, but to get to filing you had to do these five steps. So why are you negating the work that you’ve done? And it hadn’t even occurred to her. And so I said, I was like, okay, so do you see that you’ve taken actionable steps? You’ve committed to taking these steps to get from A to B. You want to get to Z. But A to B, hi, five steps, celebration time, right? And so I encourage my clients, the little victories are so much more important than the big wins. You think that the big wins, oh, when the divorce is done I’m going to feel better. Reality check people. It’s not.

Wendy Sterling:

It’s just, it’s not. I had the same feeling. I was like, oh I can’t wait until that judgment’s filed. I didn’t feel better. It didn’t change anything.

Catherine Shanahan:

I felt terrible that day, right? [crosstalk 00:09:30].

Wendy Sterling:

Right? And everybody says, oh, when the divorce is done, I get to move forward. No, no, no, no. That’s not how this works. It just means that the business that you transacted to end is over. That’s it. And by the way, there’s more work to be done after that, right?

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah.

Karen Chellew:

There’s just so much, yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

And there’s this misconception that when the divorce is filed and the divorce is done, oh, I feel so much better. No, no. Not how it works.

Karen Chellew:

And you know what, Wendy conversely … And we’ve been talking about this a lot, especially in the COVID world. Divorce is not an emergency either.

Wendy Sterling:

No.

Karen Chellew:

So there’s some advantages to making sure you have all of your ducks in a row. And it’s not a race to get to file. That’s not the goal. The goal is to have everything in place because divorce … Most of our lives is a building block, right? To just take one step at a time. You go to high school, you go to college. You get married, whatever. A divorce is literally your entire world thrown up in the air and you’re finding new friends. You’re wondering if you’re dating material. And do you date and how do I do the finances? And oh, do I have to get a job or not? All these things. And you have to deal with it all at the same time.

Karen Chellew:

So to your point, taking steps, but also realizing that it’s in your own time and in your own way. Unless of course you’re in harm’s way, but that’s a whole different story.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. And I love what you just said. I love that divorce is not an emergency. And there’s a saying that I repeat frequently to my community, which is, there’s power in pausing, right? There’s power in the pause. And a lot of times I’ll tell my clients, it’s not about rushing to file. It’s not about rushing into remediation. It’s not about rushing into making decisions. You get to take a breath. You get to sit back and think because this is your future. You are not going to be able to go back and change anything. And again, I think it’s linked to the fact that people believe that getting it done means I’m done with him. And it’s not.

Karen Chellew:

Right.

Catherine Shanahan:

Right.

Wendy Sterling:

It’s an energetic, emotional cut that you want done. It’s not the business. But the business piece is the area where you especially have to slow down because there’s things that you don’t know. I have a lot of clients who are like, oh, my soon to be ex really wants me to sign off on this. And he’s sending me all these things and telling me. And it’s almost like there’s bully tactics happening. I always tell them, well, have you spoken to a legal professional? Have you spoken to a financial professional?

Wendy Sterling:

Who have you consulted with to even know if what they’re telling you is even true? They’re just trying to bully you to move it along because they’re taking advantage sometimes of the fact that they know you want it to be done. And it’s the worst thing that you can do for yourself.

Catherine Shanahan:

Well, yeah, actually it’s exactly what they’re doing. And I always say, if you can give somebody a gift or give yourself a gift, and that’s going to be patience.

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Catherine Shanahan:

So patience is the best thing that you can have during divorce, but it’s also probably one of the hardest things because if I can kind of correlate what the two of you are saying as I’m listening is that when you’re in the thick of it, I get the emergency is to feel that you want this to be over. I get that. I’ve been there. You just want it done. But as you said a minute ago, the work starts probably when the divorce is finalized because you still don’t feel great on that day. So if we could all transform that into the emergency really is getting the right information that you need to make a clear decision to make your divorce final. Because you can’t rehab if you’re regretting. No, regret in rehab makes that much harder because you’re beating yourself up.

Catherine Shanahan:

We’re hard enough on ourselves, but when we make bad decisions that’ll affect the rest of our lives, and I’m talking even just mostly financial right now, that impact is forever. So if you regret that, you’re going to have a really hard time moving forward. And be through that rehab successfully to move forward. So the emergency is getting the information so you’re clear on making that decision to get your divorce finalized.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. And something that you both also talked about when we had our conversation for my show was … And it still sticks out in my mind is that if something seems really great or too good to be true, it probably is. I remember the example where you said, in this scenario if you were offered this, there’s actually tax implications that not a lot of people know about. So what is being offered to you is actually a worse deal. And so I always have that in the back of my mind. Truly, it has stuck in my head. And it’s so true. Is that if something looks too good to be true or they’re being really … Sometimes you just have to trust your gut, right?

Wendy Sterling:

I teach my clients too to listen to their intuition. If something feels a little funky, don’t ignore it. Take a beat.

Karen Chellew:

Right. And don’t over-simplify it and just think someone’s going to be the fix because what we encounter a lot is a person or a couple will come in and say, oh, it’s easy. He’s going to take the house, and I’m going to take this. And we’re just going to split the retirement accounts and all of these things. Well, on it’s face it seems fairly simple. So, all right, he’s going to refinance. So there’s a whole litany of questions to firm that up, right? So are you going to cash out? Who’s going to be responsible for the expenses? What’s the valuation? How are you going to get to the valuation? For the retirement accounts, are you dividing shares or are you dividing dollars? And to your point, what are the implications, especially during COVID?

Karen Chellew:

And pretty much any asset probably has 10 questions to clarify the division of it that people have zero idea about. And sometimes the attorneys have zero idea about just because they’re not financially trained. So that’s a very interesting component when we have clients come through our doors that well, yes, everyone wants to be amicable. And we’re focused on that piece of it for them. But also being willing to address the questions and not to defer to well, it’s always been done this way. Or he said this, or she said that. Without the clarity of a professional to your point.

Catherine Shanahan:

You bring up something really good. And Wendy, this should be something interesting for you to answer for us. So when Karen’s talking like that and we’re saying be clear, and in our process, the document that we deliver for our clients to hopefully have some transparency and the couple’s able to be a little more, well a lot more amicable through the process when they start with sharing information together, what is the comparison for when you have someone who’s gone through the divorce who gets to try to be amicable, gets to try to work through and get some knowledge during that process? And maybe dissolves the marriage with not so much hate of the other spouse because they got to communicate a little bit. Versus someone who says, okay, I was kind of bullied into this. My spouse threw this in front of me and I signed off on it. And now I found out that he went and bought another house and did this.

Catherine Shanahan:

And then he’s not coming over to help me fix the pool and do all of that like he promised he would do. So how does one person recover versus the other one for you?

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah, so that’s a great question. It’s interesting because I do have clients on both sides, right? And the recovery, you may think it’s different but honestly, it’s not. I have clients who initiate the divorce. I have a client who just yesterday sat down and told their kids. And she texted me yesterday. I had been coaching her up and to that point. And she has … There have been very similar emotions, right? And the biggest piece in the recovery process in either scenario is really learning how to stand in your power as an independent person because in both situations, right, you lose yourself.

Wendy Sterling:

We’ve all lost ourselves in our marriages at some point, especially those of us that have gone through divorce. I completely lost myself in my first, in my marriage. And so in both scenarios, the recovery process starts with really identifying who it is that you are today. What are the things in your past that you get to take responsibility for, right? I was talking to another client the other day where she kept blaming, blaming, blaming. And I’m like, wait a second. You put up with this. You allowed this, and yet you’re not taking responsibility.

Wendy Sterling:

So a big piece of the recovery process on both sides is the identity and voice. And then also learning how to take responsibility. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean that you are responsible for somebody else’s choices. But you are responsible for how you showed up. The choices you made. And until you own that, you created that dynamic yourself, right? Whether you asked for the divorce and it’s amicable or not. And in both scenarios, yes, you do have to co-parent. Now, in an amicable situation, you could potentially think that you have the opportunity to reach out to your ex and ask them for help in the house. And to be honest, I am all for amicable relationships. And I’m also all about empowering my clients to know that they can do things on their own and stop relying on their spouse.

Wendy Sterling:

YouTube is phenomenal. You know what else is, word of mouth. We all live in communities now where there are neighborhood groups, Facebook groups for neighborhoods. Ask for referrals and ask for somebody to come out and to do this for you. I had to learn so much stuff by myself. Things that … I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I’ve always been really good … I love building things. But there have been things where I’m like, I’ve had to change out … I have those dimmable lights. I’ve learned how to do them myself. I watched YouTube videos. I followed the instructions. I changed out those … The screwdriver and the little thing, the cap things that you screw. I’ve had to learn a lot. And I have to tell you, there is … That’s part of the stepping into your power process.

Wendy Sterling:

Is knowing you can do it. And the discomfort is in, oh, but he used to do this, and whiny. And guess what, just because he used to do it, doesn’t mean that you’re not capable of doing it yourself. So the recovery may seem like it’s totally different. It’s not, because there’s still the same … Interesting actually, it’s still the same emotions that are wrapped into sort of designing what that co-parenting relationship looks like. And at the end of the day, even in an amicable divorce if you can still be friends and be together and do things as a family, that’s wonderful. And at the same time, it’s healthy for you to still create boundaries with your ex that enable you to still stay in a place of independence, confidence and power.

Catherine Shanahan:

I love that.

Karen Chellew:

I do too.

Catherine Shanahan:

[inaudible 00:21:59] thought of it that way.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah.

Karen Chellew:

I love that.

Catherine Shanahan:

Can you come over and screw my little screwy things?

Karen Chellew:

I was going to say, you’re not going to find me doing that because I would be the first one to blow it up. But I will buy you a bottle of wine. I will cook you a meal in exchange. I’m all about finding people to do things for me in exchange for …

Wendy Sterling:

I went out and I bought a toolkit. I literally just bought a sander on Amazon yesterday because I want to sand down … Well, because listen. And granted, there have been times where I’ve had to call my ex husband because he literally … This house that I live in … I’m still in the house that I was in when I was married. And that was my choice. And I’m totally great with it and have done my healings around that. But there’s still a couple of things that I’m like, I have looked high and low. I’m like, I don’t know where this is. Where I’ve had to call him and just be like, “Hey, this … I don’t mean to bother you, but I’ve looked in this place and that place. And I have no idea where this is.”

Wendy Sterling:

And it’s been in the most random of places that I would have never known. So it’s not like I don’t reach out to him about something about the house that I’m clueless about, but there was one thing where I was like, where is the reset power button for the built-in barbecue? I’ve looked everywhere. I’ve looked in the garage and the power box. And it winds up, it’s outside in this whole other area. I’m like, what the hell is it doing out there? So I’m not saying [inaudible 00:23:39], but I’m really … I encourage my clients to problem solve for themselves. Stop [inaudible 00:23:45] because when you default you go, oh, I have to call him.

Wendy Sterling:

Instead of going, oh crap, I’ve never done this before. Okay, YouTube, blah, blah, blah.

Catherine Shanahan:

My daughter, I remember my daughter every time I ask her for something, now I’m not allowed to ask her for anything unless I YouTube it first. She’ll say … I’ll ask [inaudible 00:24:02] my kid, we have a joint thread going. And they’ll say, “Mom, did you YouTube it? We’re not responding until you YouTube it.” It amazes me what you can find on YouTube.

Wendy Sterling:

Everything. Seriously everything is on YouTube.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yes.

Wendy Sterling:

And I also … My best friend’s husband, God bless him, he helps me too. He’s like my electronics guy. So I was having issues with my Ring. So he came over and helped me. I did everything, and I was like, I can’t fix this. I always try really hard because I hate … I do, I hate asking for help. It’s really hard for me because I like to be no, I can do this myself. But then other times I’m like, shit, I got to YouTube [inaudible 00:24:46]. I just can’t figure this out.

Catherine Shanahan:

I go to Karen now because she doesn’t make me YouTube anything.

Wendy Sterling:

I wouldn’t either Catherine. So just add me to your dial list.

Catherine Shanahan:

I will.

Karen Chellew:

I’ll YouTube all day, and then I’ll find people who would be really good at it.

Wendy Sterling:

Right. [crosstalk 00:25:08].

Karen Chellew:

You’re really good at this. Help me out.

Catherine Shanahan:

I know what I’m good at and I know what I’m not good at.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah, exactly.

Karen Chellew:

Back to your point, you find your resources, right?

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Karen Chellew:

And we can all be really good at finding resources that’s for sure. Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

We’re women. Let’s be real guys.

Karen Chellew:

Absolutely.

Wendy Sterling:

We are the most … We forget how resourceful we are.

Catherine Shanahan:

Exactly.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah. We’re really resourceful for our kids, but then it comes to us and we’re like, oh yeah. Okay, I can [inaudible 00:25:36] this.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

I call it being the CEO of your life.

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Karen Chellew:

Yes, absolutely. You got this. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

And that’s also a mental transition, right? Is going from being part of a team, right? You’re in a partnership, or at least you think you are. And then you go to sort of being this, your own CEO. And something else that also comes up that hopefully will land with the listeners is a lot of times with my clients I hear them say, oh, well he’s not doing this and this and this and this. And I’ll always say, well when you guys were married, was he doing this too? Because a lot of the times we also aren’t even aware that it’s now being highlighted and you’re annoyed by it. But it’s the same way that they were when you guys were married.

Wendy Sterling:

For example, there were times where I was like, in our marriage, I would just take care of what I took care of. And then after we got divorced it was like, well, why is he acting this way? Why dah, dah, dah, dah? And then it was one of those moments where I’m like, oh wait, he did this when we were married. And I just was okay with it when we were married. I perpetuated it, so why do I think it’s going to change? Right? And so many times people forget, you number one allowed that in your marriage. And you created it for yourself. And yet now that you’re divorced you’re mad about it? So again, it’s having that awareness of wait, I was the CEO by myself anyway.

Catherine Shanahan:

Right. I always say, reminder, this is a reminder behavior of why you’re divorced.

Wendy Sterling:

Exactly.

Karen Chellew:

That’s true.

Wendy Sterling:

It is a reminder. And it’s like, but when you’re apart, for some reason it gets highlighted. And you’re mad, but yet when you were married it was still going on and you were like, whatever. We’re married. Blah, blah, blah. But now that you’re separated you’re like, wait a second. Blame, pointing finger, mad, why does he do this? It’s like, guys …

Catherine Shanahan:

How long do you think it takes somebody to recover from a divorce?

Wendy Sterling:

Well, it depends if they have support or not.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

When you have support, I’ve worked with clients who have recovered in six months. And I have clients who have recovered in a year. It all depends on you, it depends on your level of commitment. It depends on your level of desire for accountability. And that’s one of the things that, what makes me I think, I believe what makes me unique in what it is that I do and why I’m able to help my clients move through the process so fast is I am not interested in being their best friend. No desire. If you want to go have a best friend, go for it. Call them and they will keep you stuck. But my job, my role is to move you forward, which means I am bold. I give what I call tough loving to my clients.

Wendy Sterling:

And I say the things that you want to hear. But nobody else is going to tell you. So that is what enables me to get people unstuck. And I say things to them in a way that for some reason they never thought about it that way before. And so if you enable me to truly coach you, I could get you through in six months if you let me. Easy. And I’m not somebody who’s like, oh, let’s spend two years together. I’m mamma bird. Get out of the nest and go fly. I want you to get on with your life. But I’m going to hold your hand every step of the way. I’m going to be your biggest cheerleader and I’m going to give you the kick in the ass that you need to get you unstuck, and to get you moving forward.

Wendy Sterling:

So if you follow the program, we will move you fast. But if you are wishy-washy, it’s going to take you a little bit longer. I have clients also who come to me after having done other programs, who are on the other side of divorce, who are years on the other side of divorce and are still stuck because they’ve been trying to do it by themselves. And then when they come to me it’s like instant results. All of a sudden they’re moving forward. So it varies, but honestly it’s on my clients. You have to want it more than me.

Catherine Shanahan:

Right. Well how do you define recovery? How do you know when somebody’s recovered?

Karen Chellew:

That’s a good question.

Wendy Sterling:

So, that is a great question. I have never been asked that question before. I can tell you what my own personal definition of recovery is. To me, recovery means that you are completely focused on your vision of where you want your life to be. And you are on your path. Now, recovery doesn’t mean that you don’t still have emotional setbacks, right? I’ve had a bunch along my path, right? But it’s the ability to recover quickly, meaning you have the tools and you move forward.

Wendy Sterling:

So recovery also means that you are taking the tools that I’ve given you and using them every single day. So when you’re recovered from your divorce, that’s when you’re ready to start dating. That’s when you’re ready to really start jumping into that place of self-love and confidence where the sky’s the limit. And you see that possibility.

Catherine Shanahan:

I love that.

Wendy Sterling:

Until then, you’re not recovered.

Karen Chellew:

I do too.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah, and I think that the listeners, if you’re out there, and I totally get this again. And I can only equate back to my own journey. But recovery, Wendy you said something really great, and I hope everybody gets this. Recovery doesn’t mean you’re not going to have those emotional setbacks because for me, it was a good two and a half years before I really allowed myself to be happy. So but I was able to move forward every day doing something to move in a positive direction. So recovery you’re saying is being able to move on to that independent, positive movement for yourself. However, don’t beat yourself up if you still have emotional setbacks because we are human after all. And that takes longer than six months to kind of unleash that. That’s really very good. I like that because you don’t have to wait until this [inaudible 00:32:27] mark to feel like you’re moving forward in life. You can actually do this in six months if you think you can commit to it. And you have help.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. Exactly. And it’s also … I think it’s also still really important to recognize that it doesn’t mean that you’re done being part of a community. So what I also have created is a community for people who have gone through their own recovery. And they still want sort of that community aspect, that support for those things that come up, right? And that could be the first year after your divorce is final, or the first year after you ask for a separation, you’re dealing with a lot of emotional first that you don’t anticipate. You don’t know how you’re going to react, right?

Wendy Sterling:

But also enabling you to still have a place to just be like, hey, how did you guys approach this? Or, you’re feeling really sad about this. Because again, it’s not like the emotions don’t … It’s not like they don’t go away. But to also still surround yourself with a community of people who can support you because your married friends don’t get it. They try, but they don’t get it. And so still allowing yourself … Part of being recovered is to stay in that place, you need support. And I’m not saying it has to come from a one-on-one coach. If that’s what you choose, great. But also just being part of a group of people who are there with you every week. That you have friends to go to is equally as important.

Catherine Shanahan:

Oh we totally … You know what I’m going to say Karen. You know what I’m thinking of right now.

Karen Chellew:

What?

Catherine Shanahan:

We have to collide our communities together. That’s why we have the Mrs. To Me event.

Karen Chellew:

Oh yeah, very much so.

Catherine Shanahan:

Because we … It’s true. Just like when you have children. You hang around people who have the kids your same age, right?

Karen Chellew:

Exactly.

Catherine Shanahan:

Because that’s the community you’re growing with. So staying here, we wanted to provide a place for women of divorce to get together to have a weekend of just fun together. And we struggled with, do we make it just people who’ve experienced divorce? And we settled on yes, because they understand each other.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

And there’s a comfort there. There’s a security there. And we all get to just celebrate where we are and where we’re going together. So we definitely Wendy need you there at that next one because you’ll be our room speaker for one.

Wendy Sterling:

I would love to be.

Catherine Shanahan:

Our community should be doing that. We should be embracing instead of you feel like everyone’s looking at you like you’re the divorcee walking around this world.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

It’s not a negative thing. I see it all the time. Divorce is a part of my story, it’s not my story. It’s just a little part of it. Right?

Karen Chellew:

Yeah. I agree.

Catherine Shanahan:

So I love that.

Karen Chellew:

I love that too. And I really love what you said about doing all the work and then you’re ready to integrate these new relationships because so often I find that right out of the gate, sometimes even before their kids know, they’re already on match.com and they think that, that is the next step. And I think on many levels, that’s a huge setback because it just doesn’t work out. And it’s disappointing and it’s rough. But I really like that you said that.

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah. And that’s why this second marriage divorce rate is so high, right? Is because people don’t do the work. And so many times they start dating or enter into a new relationship because they don’t want to be alone. And I always talk about alone is a choice. That’s your choice. If you’re choosing to stay alone, there’s so many ways to connect, especially now in COVID. There are so many ways to feel connection that listen, I understand, you miss … It’s hard going having nobody in your bed next to you when you’re sleeping at night, right?

Karen Chellew:

Yeah. [inaudible 00:36:19].

Wendy Sterling:

Or having those hugs and we all miss hugs. You’re not alone in that. But there’s a certain mindset that goes along with, well, I’m alone. Well, no you’re not. And you get to build a relationship. You get to hang out with yourself, right? I just recently actually … This is public information because I’ve been talking about it with my community. I recently just broke up with my boyfriend. And what I … And we were together a year and a half. And what I have really encouraged myself to do is to do all the things I wasn’t able to do when I was in a relationship, right?

Wendy Sterling:

Or not that he hindered me from doing it, but more like what are the things that I get to reconnect with about myself, right? So I take more walks with my dog in the evening. I’ve been Netflix binging shows. I have reached out … It’s enabled me to reach out to more friends more frequently, right? Connecting with my family. There’s FaceTime, there’s whatever way you get to visually connect. Zoom. You don’t have to be alone. It’s a choice. And this has been my first weekend without my kids and having broken up with him.

Wendy Sterling:

And so this was a real test for me. And yeah, I’ve been sad. And yes, I’ve acknowledged that I feel lonely. And every time I feel lonely I’m like, okay, wait a second. What can I do? There’s a million things we can do to not feel lonely. It’s a choice.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah. I used to tell everyone when I first got divorced, mostly my daughter, just because I’m alone, don’t think that I’m lonely.

Wendy Sterling:

Exactly.

Catherine Shanahan:

Because when I had my alone time, is when of course I’m a big binge watcher. I like all the stupid shows like Real Housewives, and now it’s [inaudible 00:38:07] Sunset and things like that.

Wendy Sterling:

I watched that. It was amazing. Oh my God.

Catherine Shanahan:

So it’ll be little guilty pleasures but I actually enjoyed the eight hours I would watch one of those things. With a glass of wine sometimes, but just by myself.

Wendy Sterling:

Yes.

Catherine Shanahan:

And it was. It was like being alone to me wasn’t loneliness. And I think if we can all realize that just because somebody … And I’m a social person, right Karen? I love being around people and I go out all the time. But just when I was alone, people would think because I’m so social that I was lonely and I was sad. And like you said, yeah, maybe I cried a little bit. But it was only for a little bit. And then I enjoyed that alone time to re-find myself, what I wanted to be like basically. So yeah, so you know what? You’re going to get through this too. Look at you. I told you, you look beautiful today.

Wendy Sterling:

Thank you. Thank you.

Catherine Shanahan:

But that alone time probably ended up being really well worth it for yourself even.

Wendy Sterling:

It is. And to be honest, I am the type of person where I am always on the go. Even just … I don’t know how to stop. And one of the things that I realized the gift in this, aside from the gifts that my ex-boyfriend gave to me and my boys, which I will forever be grateful for. He’s a wonderful man. And at the same time what I also realized was that I need to slow down. And I don’t. And I’m always thinking, you guys know, I’m always thinking. I’m always doing. I’m always on to the next thing. And I also get to take care of myself. And so what I’ve actually used this time for was really investing in me.

Wendy Sterling:

I am a theta healer. I took a course this weekend to further my education in that, which was incredibly powerful. And I literally laid on the couch and watched … Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed to even say. Somebody talked me into watching Love Is Blind on Netflix.

Catherine Shanahan:

Oh, I saw that. Don’t be embarrassed.

Wendy Sterling:

I literally sat and watched six hours of this show on the couch this weekend. I may have finished it over the weekend. But I’m just saying, it was such …

Catherine Shanahan:

Are you my little sister?

Karen Chellew:

I don’t even know what that is.

Wendy Sterling:

You have to watch it.

Catherine Shanahan:

[inaudible 00:40:31].

Wendy Sterling:

It’s amazing. And I just watched the reunion. I finally watched the reunion last night. But I just … It’s one of those things. I never let myself do this because I’m always thinking, going, doing this, doing that. And I was like, screw it. I’m going to lay on the couch. And I did that. I’ve been taking baths at night, which I used to do. And I forgot to do. So it’s been so nurturing for me. And yeah, I’ve cried during random moments. I cried when a song came on when I was listening sitting in the bathtub that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend. And I started crying. But I was like, okay, let’s just let it flow.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah. That feels good too sometimes.

Wendy Sterling:

Oh, it feels so good. It feels so good. But it’s awesome. I’m social too. I’m a very social person, and so the way that I’ve kind of organized my life too is that when I have my kids, I’m very active. And when I don’t, I really nurture myself because I have to. And a lot of times when we get into marriages, when we get into relationships, we forget. And it’s not … I don’t sit here and go, Wendy you did it again. I’m just like, oh wait, okay. You got to balance this a little bit better. So it just … I’m in such a different place to be able to … And again, having being recovered is that I have the tools. I know what to do, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel anything.

Wendy Sterling:

I just get through it a lot faster. And I feel … It’s been two weeks and I’m really good.

Catherine Shanahan:

That’s awesome.

Wendy Sterling:

And that’s not a lie.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

So again, it’s knowing and having the tools to do what you get to do for yourself and take care of yourself.

Karen Chellew:

That’s awesome. So it’s reframing how you approach life, right?

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah, exactly. It’s the same thing. And also, I think it’s something that people going through divorce or on the other side too also forget is that it takes two people to make a marriage work. And I also have no regrets in my marriage. I wouldn’t have my children. I wouldn’t be standing here where I am today had I not been married to him. And we had a great love story, right? And I am thankful for that. And yes, it’s taken me some time to get there. I did not have an amicable divorce in the beginning. But I also see the gifts in what that experience taught me.

Wendy Sterling:

And I know that a lot of people are probably hearing this and going, never. It’s never going to happen. But it’s great to know it’s possible. And your mind is so powerful that if you believe, I’m never going to get there, then you never will. But if you hear what I’m saying and you go, God, that’s where I want to go, you will just even that one little thought will shift how it is that you start seeing yourself in relation to your ex and the relationship. Because your mind is very powerful. What you think, you create.

Wendy Sterling:

Everything, words are powerful. So nothing’s impossible. And recovery is possible for everyone. You just again, it’s mindset.

Karen Chellew:

I love that.

Catherine Shanahan:

That’s great.

Karen Chellew:

So this summit that you just launched that’s over now, is that still available for people to access? Or you had to sign up during the summit itself?

Wendy Sterling:

Yeah, so the summit itself is now down because of people were saying, oh my God, there’s so many interviews. How do I watch them all? So I actually, I had left it up through the end of July. And it is now down. But I am going to be coming out with the opportunity for people if they want access to it. I am going to be offering it up for people if they want to purchase it. They can purchase the summit. And I don’t normally do this, but I’ve had so many people reach out to me going, I really want this. How do I … Because the videos, including yours, there was so much value. And it’s so great to just go back and re-listen to it.

Wendy Sterling:

So I am in the process of building that because again, of all the feedback I’ve been getting. But I am doing at the end of September I’m going to be doing a live show with experts related to narcissism. So that is going to be my next project that I’m in the process of building and working with some incredible experts in the narcissism field. So I’m always … As I said, I’m always …

Karen Chellew:

I love that. That’s great.

Wendy Sterling:

There’s always something.

Karen Chellew:

Yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

So yeah.

Catherine Shanahan:

So our listeners should know that you created an online summit called The Divorce Summit. Many, many experts speaking about the process of divorce from a variety of perspectives. So [inaudible 00:45:49], Wendy Sterling. It’s called The Divorce Summit, right?

Wendy Sterling:

So it was called Beyond Divorce. It’s about setting boundaries, getting unstuck and moving forward. So the summit itself, if people would like more information they can go to my website, wendysterling.net.

Catherine Shanahan:

Great, yeah.

Wendy Sterling:

And if you would like access to knowing when I’m going to be offering that again, or offering it for purchase, you guys can go ahead and email me at wendy@wendysterling.net. And I’ll add you guys to the list.

Karen Chellew:

Great.

Catherine Shanahan:

And is that same contact information if they want your one-on-one coaching services?

Wendy Sterling:

No. So if you want to … So I always do a free 15-minute call, right? And that’s really to just establish what it is that you need. Whether or not I’m a fit for you. And if not, I always refer out. I have a wonderful network of colleagues that if I’m not your person, I can refer you to somebody else. And the URL or the way to contact me to schedule time is through schedulewithwendy.com.

Catherine Shanahan:

Awesome.

Karen Chellew:

That’s great.

Catherine Shanahan:

This is great talking to you again. We have to keep this going, our conversation because you’re always full of knowledge and just a positive outlook for people to move forward, which is what we’re always looking to provide to our listeners as well.

Wendy Sterling:

Thank you. I truly feel so fortunate to have you both in my circle. And I’m so grateful for the work that you guys are doing. As you know, I am a huge fan. And what you both provide to so many people is invaluable. So thank you so much for having me. And yes, lots more to come I know.

Karen Chellew:

Absolutely.

Catherine Shanahan:

Yes. Thank you.

Karen Chellew:

All right. Thank you again.

Wendy Sterling:

Thanks you guys.

Catherine Shanahan:

Everyone have a great day.

The We Chat Divorce Podcast brings you conversations about real people, real situations, and real divorce. Your hosts, Karen Chellew and Catherine Shanahan, co-founders of My Divorce Solution, are here to demystify the big business of divorce. Karen and Catherine will share their lives both personally and professionally, keeping it real while giving you clarity and hopefully even a laugh or two.