New Year, New Beginnings: Navigating Divorce with Clarity and Confidence

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Welcome to WeChat Divorce, hosted by Karen Chalou, Legal Liaison and Catherine Shanahan, CDFA.

Each episode we sit down with divorce professionals and industry experts to provide insights and frank discussions about real people, real situations, and real divorce to help you achieve your best life post divorce.

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Welcome to WeChat Divorce.

I’m Karen Shalou here with Catherine Shanahan on our podcast today about the holidays welcoming the new year.

It’s that time resolutions and new beginnings are at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

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Not mine so much, but I think everyone else is unlucky to get through a day.

But the decision to get a divorce is one of the top New Year’s resolutions, believe it or not.

And hence the reason January is divorce month.

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We definitely experience that every year.

And this year it seems to really have already started.

But once that decision to leave a marriage is made, fear, guilt, uncertainty really do begin to flood in, which results in indecision and questioning the decision to leave.

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So if you’re looking at getting a divorce or you’re thinking about it or you’re already in it just started, you know, we want to talk about that today.

And the number one thing that we really encourage everyone to do is acknowledge your feelings.

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Well, so many people, my friends ask me why is January the divorce mom?

Like, why do people pick January?

And you know, I had so many discussions about this and I really think it is everybody has this notion of let’s just get through the year.

Let’s make this, this last holiday, the best holiday for our kids.

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Let’s just everything is, let’s just do it for something else other than yourself.

And I think it’s because people don’t acknowledge their feelings or they feel like they have to time their feelings and listen, feelings are feelings.

You can’t time it.

You can make a plan, but it is important to acknowledge it.

And probably that’s the best resolution anyone could give themselves is acknowledging your feelings.

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So it doesn’t mean that your last Christmas or Hanukkah, whatever it is that you celebrate, was your last best one because you were married.

It’s believe me, take it from me, I’ve had great Christmases since my divorce.

So it, it’ll happen again.

But acknowledge how you feel.

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And so if you’re just feeling guilty or sad or mad or glad, whatever it is, acknowledge it, lean into it, and accept it so that you can have the best new year ahead of you.

Right, because you can’t really move forward if you if you don’t know where you’re starting or where you are, right, Otherwise you’re wouldn’t.

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You love it, Karen, if, if well, you and I get we’re, we’re so blessed because we have each other and we have the best partnership and we don’t always agree and we know how to come to an agreement and we’ve been together for 10 years, 8 years.

I don’t even know.

So it goes so fast, which is always a good sign of a relationship, right?

3:23

It goes so fast, but Oh my God, did I lose my train of thought?

Oh no, Wouldn’t it be great if everybody had that person where sometimes I can look at you or you look at me and and I say, how are you?

You say, how are mostly me because I’m I’m more open than you are.

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When you say, how are you?

And I say, it sucks.

My life right now sucks and I just start crying.

You know, wouldn’t it be interesting if you walked around this world and you turned to someone and they said, how are you?

I’m not doing too good.

I I’m not good.

And sometimes it’s not health reasons, there’s just emotional reasons.

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I’m not good.

You know how many people just lie and say I’m great, things are great?

Fine, I’m fine.

Yeah, I’m fine.

Yeah.

How awesome would that be?

And then if someone said that to you, thank you for asking.

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I’m really struggling.

What would you say?

What would you say?

I would say, oh, I’m so sorry to hear that there’s anything that I could do for you.

You know, or this is where I think having some good therapists to refer people to is great because everybody needs a therapist.

Or, you know, I say things like go get a new haircut, maybe that’ll make you feel better today.

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Or go eat some ice cream or, you know, just give them something of encouraging news.

But but it is OK if there’s someone in your life that you say, you know what?

I’m not so great today.

Yeah.

It doesn’t mean that you’re falling apart or even if you are for the moment or that you’re a bad person if you just, you don’t have to say I’m excellent, I’m great, I’m fantastic, you know, so it’s OK.

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So acknowledge where you’re feeling.

And if somebody else acknowledges it to you, then give them that space that you can say to them, go do something for yourself.

You know, I always, what do I always say to people, cry your eyes out.

And I’m good for this too.

I can sit and have a great cry and I could feel when it’s coming.

So if you’re around me, I’ll say it’s going to be a crying moment, but I love a good cry, but I only do it for that day or that night or what have you, because the next day I’m doing something very productive.

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You know, I’m very goal oriented.

So the next day I’m going to be very productive.

So I don’t I’m lucky.

I know how to turn it off and I know there’s people out there that can’t turn that off.

And that’s say no, a therapist so that you can call someone, but acknowledge that and acknowledge where other people are.

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You know, if you have a friend going through divorce or thinking divorce, you don’t have to jump on the bandwagon with them and say, yeah, your spouse is a a hole and you should be getting away from them.

You know, that’s not really your role for that.

Your role really is just to let them have that space to tell you what they’re thinking and just be there as a friend, as a sounding board, not as a cheerleader.

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This is what you should do because there’s many steps you should take before going through a divorce because it really does matter how you start.

Yeah, and it certainly is a roller coaster.

So, you know, if you’re supporting someone going through divorce you, it’s really important that you recognize that so that you can be, you know, I call it a soft place to fall or a consistent person in their life because it it’s very difficult emotionally for sure.

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Even if it’s amicable, it’s still difficult.

Yeah.

So in the new year, now that we’re in the new year, maybe once a month, find that time to acknowledge what your feelings are.

If you can’t do it every day, just once a month, pick that day just for yourself.

Acknowledge how you’re feeling and put a plan together to get out of those feelings or or to maintain those feelings if they’re good ones.

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Love that #2 resolution.

Get informed about what’s to come.

And that’s where we, we’re in that space with our clients every single day.

And Catherine, it never ceases to amaze me how many calls we get in where people will say a, my, you know, our assets are very simple.

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Our marital state or Community property is very simple.

Or my spouse said that this is how it was going to be that, you know, I’m not getting spousal support or he’s going to keep the house or she’s going to keep, I don’t know, whatever the IT may be.

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Or, you know, just a whole variety of assumptions or conclusions before they know what it is.

And so in the space of getting informed about what’s to come, I encourage everybody to just pause and learn and know.

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And maybe you have an idea about what you think it may be.

And maybe your spouse has an idea of what he or she thinks it may be.

Just put that in a box, acknowledge it to and acknowledging our feelings, acknowledging those discussions.

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But it is so important to know, have the information before making the decisions.

I cannot stress that enough.

Yeah.

And I’m going to go off the rails a little bit here if you guys give me this chance.

And if you know me, you know that I love the Real Housewives Bravo series, and I probably watched all of them, right?

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So forgive me, I know some of you listening are probably going to know exactly what I’m talking to.

Karen, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but let me.

I know the name, how about that?

So I was watching.

Well, let me just say there’s been so many episodes throughout every Bravo series of Real Housewives that I wish that we were on there talking to these women.

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But just recently I watched and I watch on demand.

So I don’t watch it if it’s I don’t know if it’s currently going on or what have you, but it was women, four women and two of them were going to mediation and two were one was divorced, the third one and the fourth one was married and very intelligent woman lawyer, I think she is, or doc lawyer and and teacher very smart.

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So they go to lunch because the dinner before they say to the one going to mediation the next morning, you know, you need to be prepared.

You need to be informed of what’s happening.

And she says, oh, no, you know, my husband and I are different than everybody else.

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We’ve had this unique relationship.

And although we’ve grown apart, we still want to do what’s best for our daughter.

And this is going, you know, we’ve always been in the know with each other.

And the one woman says, wait a minute, you said you’ve grown apart.

So just be prepared when you go into mediation.

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So now this luncheon meet episode, she’s coming from mediation and sits down and says, Oh my gosh, I didn’t know he opened accounts in my name.

I was like, like, what?

When did I do that?

I didn’t know that he opened a business.

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I didn’t know that we didn’t have money in this account.

I didn’t know.

So in mediation, I realized I didn’t really know him and I was not informed and I was not prepared.

And what was interesting to me, the woman who is very smart, probably the smartest of them all, intellectually wise, who is in a marriage, never divorced, she acknowledged the fact that she doesn’t even know what her mortgage payment is.

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She doesn’t know the mortgage company.

She doesn’t know the electric company.

She said she’s always working.

She leaves it to him to do.

And the other women said, well, you trust him?

She said, yeah, but you know what?

Because of this conversation, I think I should go home and inform myself of these things.

And so it is important to get informed about this information.

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That’s what we do at MD’s be and informed of what’s going to be expected from you from a mediation session and know what’s happening.

Plan that out.

You know, I know we’re going to go into getting organized next is number 3 and getting organized is knowing what’s the steps in the process of divorce.

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Even if you’re thinking divorce, know the steps because you don’t have to run to an attorney all the time.

You know, it matters how you start.

But even if you’re not getting divorced and you’re listening and maybe you’re thinking a divorce or you have a family member who’s getting divorced or a friend, it’s really important for them to be for them also to be informed.

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You should know where your mortgage payments going.

You should look at your tax return when it’s when you’re signing it.

And you should get all these year end statements that just came in and make copies of them so that you can look at them at your own pace whenever you want, if ever you want.

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You don’t have to ask for it.

You should have it. 100%, 100%.

And you know what?

A lot of people think mediators and attorneys are going to provide that information.

That is not true.

Attorneys exchange information, information and documentation and use that to make decisions for you.

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But they’re not financial people, nor is it their job to educate you about that.

Mediators facilitate conversations.

So while they do ask for, you’re a certified mediator, you know, So while you do ask for information, there’s no verification process.

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So they’re taking everything at face value.

Why?

Because the couple is coming to them together in an amicable way.

They’re not going to create adversity where none exists.

However, often that leaves tons of assets.

Not tons.

Lots can leave lots of assets on the table.

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So I was having a conversation with an A new client yesterday and she was the wage earner and she and her she and her spouse, she felt really guilty.

But they had already made decisions just based on their limited knowledge that I know I’m going to have to sell this house.

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I know that I’m going to have to support two families.

And so the further the conversation went, I just asked some very simple questions that she had never even thought of.

And so I said, I’m just going to ask you to stop making decisions until you know, until you know what it is.

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And then if you decide to sell the house, and then if you decide you can’t stay, and then if you decide to pay that amount of money to your spouse, whatever it is, you’re coming from a place of knowledge.

Because if you don’t have knowledge, you’re not going to get it in the mediation process, nor are you going to get it in the litigation process.

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That’s not the place you get it.

It’s true.

And then you almost feel worse than mediation because you’re supposed to be in there making compromises, and people are guilted into making a compromise that they don’t know to your point.

So be be educated, get the knowledge you need so that you don’t feel bad about asking more questions in mediation and you don’t feel guilty about not agreeing to something that doesn’t feel right, sound right, or look.

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Right.

Right for the benefit of yourself, the family, and your children.

Right.

For everybody’s benefit, give yourself knowledge.

And start this year off saying again, I’m going to bring it to every month.

You know, not only check in with you how you’re feeling, but you know what check in with what’s the knowledge you gained that month, every month, set a goal for yourself.

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What do I want to learn this month and do it.

And then write it down when you did because you’ll feel so good.

You’ll you’re going to sit a little different.

You’re going to walk into a room a little bit different.

I guarantee you your confidence level will go up, which will will then lead you into a healthy relationship, whatever your next relationship would be, whether it’s with your kids, with your friends, a new spouse, not spouse.

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Don’t jump into a new marriage, but a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend.

You’ll just act differently because you’ll feel differently, because you are different.

Then you’re informed and you have the knowledge.

Yeah, love that.

You can tell I’m really excited about the new year.

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I love a new year and believe me, I’m not putting like working out more because I fail in the first two weeks whenever I make that my New Year’s resolution.

But I am making it exactly what I’m we’re talking about to all of you, you know, inform myself every month about something new and also check in with my own feelings every month because I know I’m the raw, raw girl.

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I’m the silver lining girl, but and I’m I’m powerful and I’m strong and I’m independent, but I’m also human.

I also have feelings that I have to let come out every month to. 100 percent, 100%.

And you know what, preparing for divorce and getting organized is not the easiest thing.

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It is one of the most tedious things you’re going to do in the divorce process.

So don’t kid yourself that you’re going to just wake up one day and get all everything organized.

You know, you can back it up a little bit and say I’m going to spend an hour a week, a couple hours a week, whatever the IT may be.

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And give yourself that space and time, not only to get organized, but to, you know, you’re going to be learning a lot during that time too.

And hold your panic.

If you see things that you didn’t know, just put it in the pile.

We’ll cover it for you with you.

Cover it with you, right?

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Yeah, well, that’s why I love our ten step process.

I mean, I love how it’s built out.

I love that I could wake up in the middle of the night and log into my journey and see exactly where I left off.

Or I can send a note to one of my advisors on my team here.

Or I can see what documents I uploaded, where it is, what’s missing, Did I put it in the wrong place?

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I could see my expenses.

It’s all right there.

And to me, that’s the best organization.

Someplace I know I can go trust that the information is there and I can also communicate with someone via it looks like text messaging or sending a message right in that one login.

Yeah, it’s so comforting to know that all of it is right there.

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I love.

Yeah, that’s great.

Isn’t it funny, though, Sometimes we get up in the morning and we go into our own dashboard as the professional and we’ll see a client for the joint advisors on that case and we’ll see they threw up the information of how they were feeling that night.

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And it’s a whole long text messaging thread.

And you know, our response is always to acknowledge it and then to see the probably schedule a phone call with them to talk about some of it.

But usually by the next day, they’re fine.

They’re just like, oh, I just need a place to get that out.

I just needed to get my feelings out because I couldn’t sleep last night.

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And I just love that.

I, I wish that that wasn’t around.

You know, I, I wrote journals when I went through my divorce.

I was just journaling everything just to get my feelings out.

Yeah.

And, and yeah, I love that so much.

All right #4 make a plan.

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That’s what we’re talking about.

Make a plan and allow yourself to to be flexible with the plan and that it can be revised, tweaked on an hourly, daily, weekly basis, whatever feels good to you.

So don’t be afraid that if you make a plan, you know you’re stuck with it.

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That’s not the purpose of making the plan.

The purpose of making a plan is so that you can move forward with some direction.

So if you don’t have to figure it out, but you will feel better if you just make a plan.

And you know what?

Your plan is not my plan.

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You know everyone’s plan is different, so you don’t have to follow it the way your best friend did it, or your sister did it or your brother did it.

Make your own plan that works for you.

And you know, I always, I’m a pivoter, so setting goals and then pivoting is really powerful.

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So make that plan like you’re saying, and if you have to adjust it, you just adjust it.

Yeah, So great.

All right, Welcome the new year.

By having the right information about what steps to take, knowing what’s coming and divorce, and gaining clarity, you will relieve a tremendous amount of stress, anxiety and overwhelm.

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You know, Karen, before you sign off, sign off there.

You know, for all you listeners, we get so much inspiration from you.

You know, we get a ton of feedback about our podcast and we would love to add this year.

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Anything that you want us to add, and if you’re doing something that’s working or not working and you want us to talk about it, that’s what we want to talk about this year.

We want to talk about real situations because we’re all relatable to each other and that’s the best way for us to learn, make plans, get organized, whatever we need to do.

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I always say I’m a sponge of every human that I’ve ever encountered with because I might pick out a little word that you say or a little phrase that you say and I incorporate it into my life.

And that’s why I can share so much with others because I learned from others and I know you do as well.

So if you’re one of our listeners, please, you know, reach out to us, leave some comments.

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We would love to engage with your thoughts and we’d love to keep providing you with what you need.

Excellent.

So I’m just going to end with confirming that at my Divorce Solution, we believe that knowledge is power.

And in divorce, knowledge is everything.

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We wish you a very happy New Year.

Thanks for joining us on another episode of WeChat Divorce.

We hope this episode was informative and supportive on your divorce journey.

If you're looking for more support for navigating divorce with confidence and clarity, head over to azure-emu-499854.hostingersite.com/ for more podcast episodes, divorce events, and resources for your divorce.

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We’ll see you back here for our next episode.