153. Let Them: Emotional Freedom Meets Financial Clarity in Divorce

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Welcome to WeChat Divorce, hosted by Karen Chellew, Legal Liaison and Catherine Shanahan, CDFA.

Each episode we sit down with divorced professionals and industry experts to provide insights and frank discussions about real people, real situations, and real divorce to help you achieve your best life post divorce.

0:39

Welcome back to WeChat Divorce.

I’m Catherine Shanahan, your guru of creative financial options.

And today, we’re discussing A mindset that’s gone viral, the Mel Robbins Let Them Theory.

And I’m Karen Chellew, legal liaison and fierce protector of your wallet.

0:57

If your ex’s antics have been draining your energy and your bank account, let them.

Might be your new favorite phrase, provided you pair it with smart financial guide rails.

Let’s dig in and talk about let them while you protect you.

1:14

You know, Cameron, this is a really hard thing for me to swallow, right?

Because I know Mel Robbins, it’s all over the place and she’s talking about it.

It makes sense when you’re listening to it, it really does.

But when you’re going through a divorce, it’s really hard to just let them because you feel like you’ve been letting them get away with so many things.

1:32

So for someone to turn and say that again, you’re just kind of like, really like when?

It.

Really benefit me, like, why?

So I’m glad that we’re talking about a few places where letting them will benefit you and it will protect yourself moving forward, not only from probably attorney fees, but just for making good decisions for yourself.

1:51

You know, we have a lot of people who all of a sudden start looking at your spouse’s credit card.

You know, you might see that your spouse just spent $1200 on a concert ticket and meanwhile, temporary support hasn’t been signed or they’re not giving you temporary support and you’re really angry.

2:09

And what you want to do is fire her off all these emails, not only to him or her and to your attorney or mediator, whoever you’re dealing with.

And that cost you a lot to do that.

So we like, instead of doing that, just document everything that’s happening.

Wait up a little bit.

Don’t fire off these emails because you know you can save yourself three times the amount that’s actually being spent.

2:31

Absolutely.

And you know, in that space, a lot of these reactionary emotions which are very valid, no ones disputing their validity for sure, but they create expense and distraction from the real issues at hand that we’ll get to talk about more in our discussion today.

2:53

And often I’ll see, I see it happen all the time.

Things happen.

OK, well, we’ll file a motion to freeze the accounts or we’ll file a motion to have an emergency hearing or all of these things where if you just are able to stay in the pathway of determining what you have, what’s divisible, making sure you’re protecting yourself.

3:18

Sometimes, not all the time, sometimes you do need emergency hearings, but sometimes it’s better to stay on the what I call the straight and narrow and then quantify these as we’ll talk about moving forward.

Yeah.

3:34

You, you know, do you want to say something?

I was going to say, yeah, you’re totally right.

And unfortunately, people don’t understand, you know, that you, you say file motions, right?

And me, not me as the financial person who doesn’t really follow that like you do, I think, OK, well, that’s what I need to get this to stop.

3:50

Why wouldn’t I want to do that?

You know you don’t.

They don’t really understand that.

That sometimes doesn’t even really get you what you want.

Right.

And really, sometimes the method of identifying what it is and looking at everything as a whole versus these many distractions can be more productive than constantly reacting and calling your attorney.

4:13

Because frankly, your attorney’s job is to be responsive to anything you’re upset about on any given day, right?

And a lot of times people don’t understand what’s going on or a tactic of their ex or their spouse is, is intended to be a distraction so that you drain your accounts.

4:33

And so when the time comes to really deal with the critical, valuable, essential issues at hand, you’re out of money.

So the that’s where it’s really important that you spend money, where money needs to be spent.

And and again, sometimes it is on motions, but sometimes it’s on hanging back and and knowing that that’s that we’re a better and more effective way for that to be addressed may not be in the reactionary space.

5:03

So when we say let them and meaning OK, we saw a $1200 charge for concert tickets or we saw spending at restaurants or buying new clothes or whatever it is and we’re saying let them, how long do we let them do that before we should contact their attorney?

5:20

Yeah.

Well, it’s on a case by case basis, right.

So sometimes the case is being set up where you as the client, as our client would be getting pinged with your own indiscretions, right.

5:38

And so if you can just start qualifying these expenditures or distractions in a way that can be a response when you’re being criticized in deposition or at conferences or hearings.

But it is on a case by case basis.

5:56

And you know, people have waste claims, dissipation claims, but if they’re coming out in fits and starts, there’s not a whole lot you can do with that other than fits and starts.

So you want to talk about a really clear method or or pathway forward that addresses these in a way that’s helpful to you, helpful to your case, and it’s also cost effective.

6:21

Yeah, I know.

It was so hard to do if you’re listening, but it was really listen to tip.

I know.

It really is.

It really is and.

I avoid that tit for tat.

You know he spent 1200 or however much I used as an example.

Now I’m going to go spend 1200.

That doesn’t always work in your favor either.

6:38

So.

Invitation is really just the best thing to do in the in this moment.

Yeah, and you know, logging these indiscretions is really important.

It’s just when do you then make it to your advantage?

Is it at the eventual settlement where you say, well, I want to put all of these expenditures on my spouse’s side of the balance sheet or you know, at what point do you address it that it’s the most effective place to address it?

7:08

Oh my gosh, I’m glad you brought that point up because that’s one of the points that really frustrates me a lot because I do hear attorneys often say we’ll get that at settlement, but when settlement comes, they don’t really get it.

They say, oh, that money’s gone, we’re going to settle on something else.

You know, wouldn’t you rather settle somewhere else?

7:24

So I do think that if this is happening and you’re trying to let them do something so you can move on to the next phase, take little pause in between there and and check in to make sure that that will be recouped or if in fact you should be able to take the same amount on your side.

7:40

And that’s not tit for tat, that’s just kind of balancing along the way.

Yeah.

It’s the transactional approach to it, right.

And if you feel like if you’re in a state where we see that this does this offset doesn’t really realize itself at settlement, then maybe you do want to go ahead and have an agreement that this is an advance to distribution.

8:01

If there’s all kinds of things you can do, really the the discussion here is try not to be reactionary about it.

You know, the whole Mel Robbins theory is to pause and in divorce that translates to lower emotional spikes, fewer reactive filings and a cleaner financial trail.

8:21

And that’s our goal with our clients at my divorce solution, really keeping you on point clear.

And then what do we want to do about this situation?

That’s I don’t want to say relevant, but it demonstrates the behavior that that you were experiencing all along, right.

8:40

It’s about intention and strategy, I think.

Yeah, Yeah.

You had a client that you were just working with.

Sorry for the pause there.

But I’m just thinking and you know, I see a lot because you’re a legal liaison in this case.

So the portrait is halfway through, but now you’ve took taken over one of our ad hoc services and you’ve been managing the case, which has been really beneficial to so many people.

9:03

But in that space, you know, I’m included on the emails and I’m seeing a lot of things happening and I’m myself and saying, well, my gosh, how do you just keep letting this person do this right?

Not only the spouse, but the legal team, You know, when you have a really good way of always wrapping everything back to the focus, What are we focusing on here?

9:24

What are we ignoring here for the moment and how do we let them keep doing this?

Because, you know, our clients seem to be really financially clear when they’re going through our process.

So they’re thinking logically at some point, you know, when their emotions have settled and now they’re in the logical thinking because they have financial clarity.

9:41

So you keep them on track.

How do you take that step by step for them?

When I’m seeing even like I said, with spouses and the other the legal team are doing where you know, even you’re very good at even saying no, I think that attorney is doing a great job.

And I’m like, no, they’re not like that’s ridiculous, right?

9:59

And so you’re very good at just pulling that together, which I think is, you know, a skill set that you have.

But it’s something that if our clients can learn that it would be easier to adopt this let them let them theory.

Yeah.

So I always say you’re an expert at divorce.

10:15

The day you get divorced is what it is all day long.

And so my role and our role in a, in a situation is helping people understand that piece of it.

So I feel like we’re always in a place of looking for a solution.

10:31

OK, this happened.

Help me understand how it’s impacting your day-to-day life.

Let’s hop on the call with your attorney.

I’m going to ask really good questions so you can hear the answer and make good informed decisions because a lot of times what you think is happening is not what’s happening, right?

10:49

There’s a lot of buzzwords in the legal industry.

There’s a lot of procedures and roles that you may or may not understand.

So once you understand the impact to you, then you make a decision about how emergent this particular situation is.

11:05

Because I know from my divorce, everything was an emergency.

Everything.

The moment I got a text that my spouse wasn’t taking, you know, my child to a scheduled soccer game or the moment I got, I realized that a deposit didn’t go into my account that was going to pay for my groceries, right?

11:24

I get it.

But but are those emergencies?

And what is the best place to address those issues for your financial benefit and your family’s well-being?

Yeah, that’s a good point.

And also, if everything doesn’t seem like an emergency in the process, but you’re dealing with a narcissistic spouse, which tends to make you feel like everything’s an emergency.

11:46

To me, that’s the best place to apply this.

Let them theory, you know, like let your spouse feel like they’re smarter than you.

Let them think that they’re in control of what’s happening.

Let them say to you everything that they think that should happen.

And just take it as a side note like, OK, that’s interesting.

12:03

It’s going to go a little bit different now that I have financial clarity, but he or she does not need to know that at this moment.

But just let them spew off to you whatever they want and don’t respond to it.

You know, especially in this social media world that we live in, you know, a lot of spouses like to go on their dates.

They’re feeling good about themselves and they’re not really realizing how that’s going to impact their negotiations just because they’re all about themselves.

12:26

Don’t feel like you have to do the same thing back in return because that’s not protecting yourself.

Let your spouse do what they need to do to make themselves feel better.

Suck it up.

Cry by yourself in a corner if you have to any moment, but don’t react to that, that that protect yourself by not reacting.

12:42

That is the best protection you’re going to give yourself.

Absorb what they’re barking at you and don’t react to it and just let them act like they are because you know how they’re going to act.

And then get your financial clarity so that you really shock them in the long run by being able to protect yourself and make really smart decisions for yourself. 100%, as I say for sure, and these are some things you can do.

13:07

You can freeze or cap your joint credit lines.

You should incredibly cognizant of that cash flow going through there.

Track your day-to-day spending, know what it is so that you can always understand what cash flow you need.

Document, document, document, right?

13:23

You should know what that is.

You should know your, what we call your MD’s financial portrait.

You should know what you have.

You should know what you need so that when these things are happening around you, you know if it’s an emergency or not, you know, So the documenting piece of it is really, really important.

13:43

Yeah, along with let them give you proposals, let them tell you what they think that you should have in your settlement.

Let them tell you how they’re going to take care of you if that’s what they’re saying they’re going to do.

But don’t agree to any of it.

Not until you have financial clarity can you make any agreement.

Don’t go into mediation.

13:58

Do not go to your attorney with a proposal to your financially clear and what you have, what’s missing and then you can make those decisions, but let them give you all that information.

The more information you have, the more powerful will be for you for making really good financial decisions in the long run.

That’s so true.

14:13

Let them overspend, let them complain while you protect your wallet and gather receipts.

I know Karen, and you know I’m going to laugh again because it sounds so easy to do and I know it’s so hard.

So if you’re listening, remember, keep the let them theory in your head, but document everything.

14:31

Have good, good conversations about what you have to be reactive to.

Gather all the information and make sure you have financial clarity.

Invest in your financial portrait.

Get the clarity that you need before you take another step forward.

Absolutely.

We have this thing that we do at my divorce solution is called the 24 hour panic roll.

14:51

So while they’re doing or behaving with their antics, you can pause for 24 hours, for three days, for a week, and make sure that your next steps are intentioned and on purpose.

Share this episode with a friend navigating divorce and leave us a quick review so more individuals and couples can find financial clarity instead of chaos.

15:13

Until next time, keep your.

Focus forward and your finances protected.

I thought we were saying that together, Karen, but that’s OK.

You say it and I’ll say it.

We can say together, that’s perfect.

15:29

Listen, if you’re having a problem letting them do what you think that you should let them do, send us a comment.

We’re happy to answer or continue the conversation to give you any insight that you might need.

Thank you all for listening to us today and stay tuned for our next episode, WeChat Divorce.

15:47

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16:09

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