Divorce During the Holidays: How to Protect Your Peace, Your Wallet, and Your Future

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Welcome to WeChat Divorce, hosted by Karen Chellew, Legal Liaison and Catherine Shanahan, CDFA.

Each episode we sit down with divorce professionals and industry experts to provide insights and frank discussions about real people, real situations, and real divorce to help you achieve your best life post divorce.

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This episode of WeChat Divorce is brought to you by My Divorce Solution, offering divorce financial planning so clients can secure the divorce settlement they deserve.

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Welcome back to Divorce Explored on the WeChat Divorce podcast.

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I’m Karen Shalou and I’m here with my Co host Catherine Shanahan.

And today we’re talking about divorce during the holidays and how to survive it without falling apart.

Happy holidays, everyone.

I know this is a good time and a sad time for many.

Every December, we kind of hear the same stories.

0:59

You know, you’re hearing Christmas music.

As a matter of fact, it’s December 3rd when that we’re recording this and I’m already playing my Christmas music.

But I know that some of your listeners are probably feeling like, am I supposed to feel grateful and joyful or do I just want to stay in bed and not really engage in the holidays?

1:16

So let’s try to normalize some of these reactions today.

This joy and grief can exist in the same moment.

You can feel gratitude for your kids, your dog, your friends, or simply that you made it out of bed and at the exact same time feel gutted about your marriage, your money, or your future.

1:32

And yes, even Netflix knows the struggle.

How many of us watch holiday movies?

Wrap everything up in a bow in 90 minutes?

Real life doesn’t do that, as we all know.

Karen, when you say that, I think of all the Hallmark movies I watch and with my mom, who’s no longer with us, which makes me really sad this time of year.

1:53

But you know, we always said that last five minutes is when they kiss.

You know, we wait to the countdown for that kiss in the last five minutes.

It’s that expectation of what’s happening that we know it’s going to happen right then, but doesn’t really happen like that in real life.

Your house might feel too quiet like mine.

I saw my children over Thanksgiving.

2:09

We’re at the point where we alternate holidays, so, and it’s not even with my ex, it’s with the new in laws, right?

Your kids get married.

So my house does feel quiet, you know, But I did still put my tree up even though no one’s coming over.

And I had this great idea that I’d invite some girlfriends over.

2:25

But it’s ready December 3rd and I don’t, I haven’t planned it yet.

So I don’t know if I’ll make it in time, but I know that feeling that it’s too quiet.

But sometimes you got to take that quiet and just embrace it.

And I look at my tree and I love it and I enjoy.

It so if you’re listening and you do not have children or your kids are grown as our kids are, you’re juggling A parenting schedule.

2:46

This conversation is for you.

It’s not a parenting episode.

It’s a human episode.

We’re going to talk about money, energy and people.

We created a Holiday Boundaries checklist to help you protect your finances, your energy and your heart, and to keep the focus on what actually matters to you this year.

3:03

Which is really important because if you do not decide what your boundaries and your limits are, somebody else will do it for you and you probably won’t agree, nor will you follow it.

You put limits on what your spouse can do with social media posts, with their new relationships.

3:18

You can’t really control that, right?

So set realistic boundaries for yourself that you can follow.

And don’t don’t put the expectation that you’re gonna make your spouse follow something because you’ll be disappointed.

And you know what?

If they do do things the way you want them to, then it’s something for you to celebrate or feel good about.

3:36

But let’s talk about surviving the holidays in the middle of divorce without falling apart.

Let’s start by naming where you may be right now.

Maybe you’re in the middle of filing.

Maybe you’re separated and living in limbo.

Maybe your children are adults and choosing how to split their time.

Maybe you don’t have children and everyone around you seems to be in matching pajamas.

3:55

We see that everywhere.

However it looks, there’s usually a mix of emotions, relief that some chaos is over, grief for the life you thought you would have, anger about money, fear about what comes next.

All of that can sit with us in the same body at the same time.

4:13

I actually just had a really great conversation with my daughter about forgiveness and I really had a heart to heart saying I don’t.

She knows some of the things her dad has done to me and she knows some of my feelings.

And there were another family member that I had a little outs with that I didn’t really engage or just stayed quiet about.

4:33

And she went on to say, give me, I said to her, tell me how you think of forgiveness because it’s such a hard thing.

And over the holidays, you hear a lot about forgiveness.

And it she really like touched my heart.

Like I as a matter of fact, my birthday just passed.

And I said to her, my gift to myself is the gift of forgiveness.

4:49

I’m going to forgive your dad, his new wife, you know, and anyone else, because what it’s doing, it’s not giving them the pass that what they’ve done is OK with me.

That’s something they have to live with, but they don’t have to be on my hook any longer.

Like I don’t have to worry about them accepting that or not.

5:06

I just have to just let it go and forgive it all because it does make you feel better, like you’re not harboring.

It doesn’t mean I have to call them and have conversations with them, but it it means that I can let go of that hurt that’s inside that I’ve been carrying and, and just let it go.

And I have and it’s actually working.

5:22

So it’s a way, if you could think of it as not not letting them get a pass on what they’ve done.

That’s their the gift to bear.

You know that’s there on them, but letting them off your hook because it it doesn’t.

Serve you.

That’s so true and I had a lot of trouble with that or challenge with that in my divorce too.

5:42

And it wasn’t necessarily with my ex-husband but it was with my dad.

I was so angry.

I thought my family wasn’t there for me.

You know, it was against our religion to get divorced.

And I just got very isolated.

And my sister said something to me that was a game changer, she said.

And it’s so true because my kids are older now.

6:00

She said, Karen, if you can’t find a way to forgive, your children may not find a way to forgive you.

And that just changed my life because I was talking to my kids this weekend and I said, I’m so happy that you all continue to forgive me for my hiccups as we forgive each other.

6:19

And a lot of that started with me realizing that, you know, you have to forgive because you also want other people to forgive you, which is.

Really good point.

Yeah, great.

So your life did not pause.

So you could have a neat quiet grief process.

6:36

You’re dealing with court or schedules or work, or you may be sitting in a very quiet house learning how to be on your own.

Then the holidays arrive and every the volume turns up on everything.

And that’s why boundaries matter so much.

So let’s talk about some of the boundaries here.

6:51

The first one we’re going to start with, as we always do on on WeChat, divorces money boundaries.

Let’s start with money, because money stress quietly ruins a lot of holidays.

So set a real holiday budget before you say yes to anything.

Some people overspend.

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Some people don’t spend at all because of, you know, the access to cash.

So ask yourself one question before you swipe a card.

If I spend this, what bill is harder for me than in January?

If that make if that answer makes your stomach tighten, that’s your warning.

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If someone pushes back, you can say, look, my financial reality has changed and I’m honoring that I’m working with a set holiday budget this year.

Very well said, Karen.

Anyone knows me.

I don’t like a budget, but it really is important because when January comes and you get your credit card and you might feel like you’re hungover by it, right?

7:42

It’s just so consuming and you just don’t know how you’re going to get out of it.

And if you’re in the middle of divorce, you can’t expect that that’s going to be a marital debt.

So you have to be really clear on your spending.

So if you’re divorced already, you already know what your budget is or you should review your budget and use that credit card limit with limits on yourself, not not maxing out at the limits, but put limits on yourself.

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But if you’re going through a divorce, don’t make the mistake of thinking that your spouse is responsible for your debt if it’s not going to be considered marital because you’ll be disappointed that you’re stuck with that bill.

And you know, remember that people remember how you treat them more so than what you give them, that how you treat them is the everlasting gift you’re going to give someone.

8:24

So don’t think that you have to spend a lot of money on something.

Do something that’s thoughtful, do something that means something to someone.

And a lot of times that doesn’t mean something really expensive.

It just means a thought like I love a card that’s handwritten.

I I love something that you’ve done for me.

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That’s just, you knew I would like it.

And it’s not necessarily a big gift, you know.

So think of some creative gifts that you can give that will actually make you feel really well because you did something that was so thoughtful.

Good.

I like that second money boundary.

8:55

No new debt just to keep up appearances.

Your ex vals may say or even your kids.

Don’t you know, don’t be cheap.

You can say, look, I can’t go into more debt right now.

It’s just not feasible for me.

It’s not helpful for me or for you because frankly, your family in this time and even yourself, you need more stability than you need extra stuff.

9:18

Oh my gosh, if my kids ever said don’t be cheap to me, what the hell?

Anyway, if somebody does says don’t be cheap, just say I’m not being stupid, I’m actually being smart.

I’m not being cheap because you’re the smart one for not getting yourself in over your head.

9:35

And again, I’m going to reiterate in time, whether you have little kids or big kids, they don’t remember the gifts you got them.

They remember how you treated them and what the holiday experience was like.

Maybe make some cookies, do a new holiday tradition with them.

That’s what they’re going to remember.

For sure.

And the third money boundary is kind of in that same space.

9:54

They’re repetitive, but a little different.

Choose a simple gift rule so you can break it down.

I like everything broke down and scheduled.

I’m not necessarily an ad hoc person, but this is always helpful to me.

You know, 1 thoughtful gift per person.

So it can be an experience, it can be a book, it can to, to Catherine’s point, it can be something, something thoughtful.

10:14

So we’ll call that the boundary of a simple gift rule.

Yeah, that’s really good.

You know, I raised 3 stepdaughters and I had two biological children and they’re very close, which I’m really proud of.

But what they do is they all pick a name.

You know, they don’t get all of them a gift.

They don’t one person 1 doesn’t get all four gifts right of their siblings.

10:32

They just pick a name.

And I know a lot of families who have now incorporated the parents into that.

So where the parents are in with the children and everybody just picks one person and they put a spending limit on it.

And I think that’s a fantastic idea.

I love it.

That’s great and you know, if you’re our 4th money boundary role is if you’re Co parenting, it does not need to be a competition.

10:53

Do your best and sometimes that’s all you can do to agree in writing who’s paying for what.

So for example, I’ll handle the stockings and Christmas morning you handle the big gift or can you pay for the flights?

I’ll pay for the hotel.

For adult kids.

It may be, look, I can help you travel one way, but I can’t do everything.

11:11

So, you know, do not host what you can’t afford.

You’re allowed to say, look, I can’t do that this year.

It’s temporary this year while you’re going through this high challenge.

So the 4th money boundary rule is don’t make Co parenting a competition.

11:29

I always.

Say if your spouse wants to showboat and get your kids all the expensive things because they make it makes them feel good and look like the better parent, I’m all for that because it’s less you have to spend personally and your kids are the better factors of that.

And that at the end of the day is what we’re all looking for.

11:45

So go ahead and let your spouse give them what they want to give them, unless of course it’s dangerous or something that you know is really against your parenting rules.

But don’t, don’t feel like that your kids are going to look at you like their dad or their mom gave them more than you did.

They’re not looking at it like that or that.

12:02

They’re going to love their the parent that does that more than the other one.

I, I went through that in my experience and I thought, Oh my gosh, I just can’t compete with that.

But I just kept telling myself this is temporary and this is not, this doesn’t define or even reference our relationship.

12:20

It references the gifts in this moment and that.

And, you know, I’m doing the best I can.

So that’s good.

That’s a really good remark.

All right.

So next boundaries are time and energy.

And we all know that divorce drains both, right?

You don’t have to have the same capacity as before.

12:36

It’s not a character flaw, I’m an energy boundary #1 decide your non negotiables before the invitation.

Show up One or two things you know you want.

Maybe it’s a quiet night at home.

Maybe it’s a faith service or a walk with a friend.

Faking something you love.

12:53

Everything else is optional.

You don’t have to do what you’ve always done.

You can tell people.

Look this year and keeping my priorities more simple and I may say no to some events that I when I can’t protect my energy and my bandwidth.

It’s really about your bandwidth.

13:09

And also with what your heart really wants to do, you know, sometimes being alone doesn’t mean that you’re lonely.

So, you know, last year I knew I flew home.

I saw my kids in Pittsburgh with my family and I flew home on Christmas Eve because the kids were all going to their other significant others.

13:24

And I flew home on Christmas Eve.

And my family was like, why are you going on that day?

Just go two days later.

I, I wanted to go on that day.

You know, it didn’t make me sad to go on that day.

You know, when I came home, I did watch Hallmark movies probably actually I stopped at a friend’s house because they convinced me to come, which I’m glad I did because I ended up having a really good time.

13:44

But even this year, you know, I’m not going to see the kids.

I saw them for Thanksgiving and they’re going to their in laws and I will go to Pittsburgh.

But I’m coming back before Christmas and it’s OK with me.

You know, I do have family around here as well.

But doing what you want to do is OK and actually is what you should be doing.

14:01

And again, you know, will this event leave me feeling more drained or more grounded?

And I feel grounded sometimes being alone.

And sometimes I people, I think people understand more whether they’re introverts or extroverts, whether people give them more energy or it your energy is drained in social engagements.

14:21

And so this is the second time an energy boundary limit events that require you to put on a full emotional performance.

If you know it’s going to take so many hours of pretending that you’re fine, that cost is too high, it’s it’s OK to say, look, I’ll come for a little while and I’ll go home early.

14:38

Maybe you don’t go home early, but at least if you give yourself that permission, it goes a long way.

And also I just want to add there, you know, if you don’t have a partner in your life and your kids are busy and you don’t want to spend the whole time with your friends, it’s OK to get dressed up and make yourself a nice dinner or get dressed up and go out for a car riding like a Christmas lights.

14:58

Or, you know, if you celebrate other holidays, you know, just go out and be out and about and take a walk.

You don’t have to stay in and sweatpants and feel sad.

You can get dressed up just for yourself for sure.

Now we’re going to move on to kids, adult children and no children boundaries.

15:16

So I want to talk to three groups directly, those with younger kids, those with adults, and those with no children at all.

If you have younger kids, your main boundary is to keep them out of the money drama and the blame, right?

They do not need to know who paid for what or who ruined which tradition.

15:33

They need to feel love and safe.

Even if the holidays look different and different and you can say, look, this year will look different, but different doesn’t mean bad.

We’re just going to create some new traditions and that in and of itself can be so much fun with those kiddos.

15:52

You know we collected the Hess trucks for my son, right?

Yeah.

And so I, I often times bought 2, one that he could play with, the one that I could save.

Now all those Hess trucks that are unoppable in my attic and probably nobody wants them, right?

16:08

But I, the first few years when we got separated, I bought because I always bought the Hesh truck, but my ex loved the tradition so he wanted to do that as well.

So we were both buying the Hesh truck and I didn’t say, oh, look how stupid your dad was for getting this Hesh truck because I got it.

16:26

And look at the money we wasted.

I just, we laughed about it.

Now, I did say something eventually to my ex saying, listen, if you want to get the Hesh trucks, go ahead and get them.

I’m just not going to get them.

There’s no need for us to get 2 at this point because they’re not playing with them anyway.

They’re older.

We were just getting it as a collectible.

So I stopped getting it and let him get it.

16:44

And it’s really funny because my daughter brought this up.

Now that I have my grandson, she has her first son, she brought up the hesh trucks and she’s like, mom, dad’s probably going to get 2 hesh trucks for George and I have no place to store them.

So they’re going to your place in your attic.

And I said, well, tell him you don’t want the hesh trucks.

17:00

She goes, I don’t have the heart to tell him because that’s something he ended up picking up post divorce that he did for himself to give to the kids.

So we we chuckled about it and I said, that’s so cute, That’s funny.

OK, of course I’ll store it for you.

Right.

Like, I’m not going to make a big deal over it.

And I think it’s a good memory.

17:16

And.

And that’s the tradition that’s probably going to go on.

Yeah.

They are pretty cool by the way they are.

They’re worthless, probably, but they’re pretty cool.

Just like all the Beanie Babies I collected.

They were up in my attic because the kids don’t have storage for them yet.

17:36

It’s.

Great.

So moving on to adult children, your role shifts, they’re not your therapist.

They are not in charge of fixing this.

And you can say something like, you know, this has been a hard year and and I am getting support.

17:52

I want you to enjoy the holidays without feeling responsible for fixing anything.

We’ll figure out our new traditions over time.

Yeah, that’s really important.

And the hard one there is when you don’t have them for your first Christmas or the first Christmas Eve every or Hanukkah, You know, everybody has their different traditions.

18:11

But I think the step you had need to take care is let your kids do what they want to do.

So if they want to stay at Dad’s a little bit longer because their cousins are arriving, you know what, let them stay a little bit longer.

You know, if, if one year they want to switch something up, they want to go Christmas Eve or, or you want them Christmas Eve, you know, take the High Road.

18:30

Talk to your spouse about it if you can, or, or save the kids, whichever 1 you know you feel most comfortable with.

Of course I want you to be with your cousins, you know?

I know it sounds so hard, but if you just let them make the decision as much as you can, it would really be helpful to you in the long run.

18:47

For sure.

And if you don’t have children, you know, the seasons feel very loud and you may have had relationships with your spouses extended family, which can be a little awkward.

But I just want to remind you that this is temporary and you can figure out the longer term relationships later.

19:07

And for this year, you can say, you know, thank you so much for inviting me.

I’m keeping my plans light.

You can build space around you according to whatever you feel most comfortable with this year.

Yeah, be kind to yourself.

19:24

And you know what, if you want to buy yourself a gift, go ahead.

That’s OK too.

So just do what you think that makes you feel good.

And you know what?

If you have a good relationship with your ex and you’ve been married 20-30 years and you want to send not your ex, your ex’s family, and you want to send them a card, you could send them a card.

19:42

You know, you don’t have to write anything in there if you just sign your name.

It’s just a thought.

For sure.

And so before we close, I want to go back to this idea that joy and grief can exist in the same moment.

You may cry on the way to a gathering and then genuinely laugh once you’re there.

20:02

You may feel sick when you unpack old ornaments and later feel proud of yourself for staying within your budget and your boundaries.

This does not mean that you’re over it.

It means your nervous system is just trying to give you a little break so that you can keep going.

Yeah, I can remember not putting certain ornaments up just ’cause they didn’t make me feel good.

20:22

I didn’t throw them away, but I put them in a box and the following year, OK, I felt better.

They came out putting out the stuff that you always had, even the stuff that you had during your marriage.

If it makes you feel good, put it out.

If not, don’t put it out.

Create your own.

20:38

Again, different traditions for.

Sure, do what makes.

You feel good.

So let’s land with these three truths and one tiny assignment.

Truth 1.

You are not failing.

20:53

If this holiday feels heavy, you’re in a major transition and your body and heart are reacting.

Truth 2.

Boundaries are not selfish.

They’re how you protect your future, your stability, and your sense of self.

If you have children or adult children, they’re also how you protect their sense of safety.

21:12

Truth 3.

January will come.

The financial and emotional choices you make in December will show up in your bank account and your legal process and then how you feel about yourself.

And so your assignment is simple.

Choose One Financial boundary and one emotional boundary from what you heard from us today.

21:31

Write them down, put them in your phone.

This is your personal holiday boundaries checklist.

Maybe your financial boundary is no new debt for the holidays.

Maybe your emotional boundary is.

I did.

I don’t need to explain or defend my divorce at my family gatherings this year.

21:48

That’s enough.

It is enough.

Start.

There you are.

Allowed to protect your peace and your wallet, even if others are disappointed.

And if money is a confusion or you want to change your relationship with money and you’re in the middle of the prop in the middle of divorce process, you’re thinking divorce come to MD’s.

22:06

We start with your lifestyle analysis, which is your budget.

So you’ll get a good grip on what you can afford and what you can’t afford.

And we’ll help you go through your marital state so you have a better chance of understanding the money issues that will come arise that will arise in your divorce process.

22:23

And you’ll be able to put the emotions aside and start our January with clarity and confidence.

Thank you for spending time with us.

Whatever your holiday looks like this year, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy for how you feel, even if people say you are.

22:42

We are wishing you steadiness enough and a little bit of peace as you move through the season.

My Divorce Solution is here to replace financial fear with clarity, so visit us at My Divorce solution.com to learn how the MD’s financial portrait can give you verified numbers, expert insights, and a personalized road map to protect your future.

23:04

And don’t forget to join the MD’s community.

We’ve started lives there that you can pop in, ask questions, and have conversation with a community that’s going through divorce as well.

It’s a free, supportive space filled with resources, guidance, and people who understand what you’re walking through.

23:23

And not only do you like you to like, follow and share this episode with others, you know, leave some comments, share us, share with us some tips that you can provide to others who are listening.

Everyone likes to hear from everyone else who’s gone through this process.

So until next time, take a breath, protect your peace, and let knowledge be your power.

23:43

Thanks for joining us on another episode of WeChat Divorce.

We hope this episode was informative and supportive on your divorce journey.

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24:05

We’ll see you back here for our next episode.