Gray Divorce After 50: Silent Divorce, Loud Truths & Finding Financial Clarity

0:01

Welcome to WeChat Divorce, hosted by Karen Chalu, Legal Liaison and Catherine Shanahan, CDFA.

Each episode we sit down with divorced professionals and industry experts to provide insights and frank discussions about real people, real situations, and real divorce to help you achieve your best life post divorce.

0:24

This episode of WeChat Divorce is brought to you by My Divorce Solution, offering divorce financial planning so clients can secure the divorce settlement they deserve.

0:48

If you were living in a silent divorce, you were paying for it every month in lost time, lost options, and avoidable mistakes.

Today we’re going to stop the bleed and start your plan.

And it’s not only about a silent divorce.

What if you’re considering the Gray divorce?

1:04

We’re going to show you how to focus on the knowns like income and expenses, assets and debts and timelines so we could turn your fears into focus and focus into a plan and hopefully get rid of some of that guilt you may be carrying.

So welcome to We Chat Divorce, divorce explored.

1:22

I’m Karen Shalu, your legal liaison, your wallet warrior, here to help your boundaries firm, your facts organized, and your process moving.

I’m Catherine Shanahan, CDFA, and for over 30 years I’ve translated complex financial lives into clear settlement scenarios for clients, mediators, and attorneys to use.

1:42

We built the MD’s methods so that you don’t have to guess your way through divorce.

And it’s not just the two of us are trained advisors.

Legal liaisons and Cdfas deliver the same method in all 50 states.

MD’s is a process, not a personality.

Yeah, so let’s talk about the Gray divorce.

2:02

It’s always in the news and something common, and I actually went through it in my first divorce.

You know, after 50, though, you have to think about the outcomes that are driven by numbers and timelines.

You know, you’re you’re approaching or preparing for retirement ages.

You have to think about Medicare and COBRA windows and pension triggers, Social Security, housing, cash flow and emotions do matter.

2:26

But you know, the calculations are what’s going to help you decide whether you should stay or go.

That’s.

So true.

And I think after 50, time seems really short all of a sudden, don’t you think?

And then to have to kind of navigate through all of this, it’s very challenging.

2:47

And you know, also a lot of people are already in a silent divorce, emotionally checked out, financially foggy.

And that fog is expensive, as you and I have seen throughout our years of helping people through this process.

3:02

But clarity, financial clarity, stops the bleed for sure.

Yeah, you know, this is a topic, like I said, that hits home to me because, you know, divorce, I didn’t grow up thinking I was going to be divorced, right?

Irish, Italian girl and never came from a divorced family.

3:19

Now I just experienced my second divorce and that’s a whole nother podcast for us to discuss if we ever want to.

But you know, the first one was I just didn’t want to live like that anymore.

Even though we got to the financial part of our relationship.

That was the best.

I just wasn’t going to live in that kind of silent divorce that I was living where he went upstairs.

3:39

I went downstairs where, you know, we went to a party and then it didn’t talk in the car like it just because it looked good on the outside.

It wasn’t really good on the inside.

But you know, I had so much guilt about wanting to get a divorce after being with him for 23 years.

And then we have these kids together and I kind of knew the finances.

3:58

I was scared, like, will I be able to support myself?

There’s so many, but I just wanted to be happy, you know?

And just wanting to be happy sounds so selfish.

And that’s why people live in this silent divorce for years in time to then turn that into a Gray divorce where I don’t need a reason why I went out.

4:16

It doesn’t have to be about an affair.

It doesn’t have to be about anything other than you just want something different from yourself for yourself.

Yeah.

And do you believe that some people have the misconception that they need to decide to get divorced before they start to prepare and get it figured out what it would look like?

4:39

Oh yeah, We see that so often.

Well, I think we’re seeing that a lot because we’re doing a lot of post nuptial work now and people surprised me, even my friends.

What’s the post nupt right?

You know, when it comes to this stage in life after 50 and you are living in a silent divorce or you’re ready for a great divorce when you have clarity.

5:03

I’m sorry I lost my train of thought there for a second, Karen.

That’s what happens after 50.

OK, so this.

OK, let me go back and we’re going to talk about post OPS.

Yeah, they come to us and they want to have financial autonomy.

You know, they just haven’t had it their whole relationship.

They feel like they don’t trust their partner.

5:20

You know, if you’re living in this silent manner, you’re not really communicating well.

You’re signing tax returns without looking at them.

You meet your financial advisor or you don’t meet your financial advisor.

You’re just living on your credit card.

Like you’re just not really involved.

So you want to come through and say I want to get a divorce because I want my half of the marital assets and I want to live my own life.

5:40

So when they come to our process and we get to meet with both parties to put out what their intent would be, they kind of realize, well, wait a minute, if we could live separately or if we’re on the same page separately financially, meaning we can you each control your own assets or we now have autonomy.

5:57

And I have a clear understanding.

Well, maybe I don’t really want a divorce.

Maybe I just want to legally stay married but have a post nuptial agreement.

Because at my divorce solution, our role is not to tell you whether to get divorced or not.

Our role is to make sure you’re financially clear on the impact of the decisions you’re making.

6:13

And that is whether or not you stay or go as well.

That’s so true.

And you know, even if you flip that and you know, when our clients are the wage earner or the one that’s managed the money, we see that more and more.

6:30

It’s also important for you to know what it would look like.

What would your responsibilities be short term and long term?

And then how do you how do you make that work for everybody?

Because typically kids, grandkids are involved by then.

And it is a very unnerving situation.

6:47

But at the end of the day, people don’t need to decide what next steps are going to be.

You can just decide to get clear on what it would look like relative to, you know, the laws in your state, things like that.

So you can make a plan and then have better discussions from a place of knowing instead of a place of emotion.

7:11

Because if you don’t have that clarity, you’re definitely starting to have the conversations from a place of emotions.

That’s really hard to navigate through, especially when the relationship has become so complacent.

Oh my gosh, do you remember the case?

7:28

I’ll never forget this case.

I hope I don’t tear up thinking about it, but she was living in a silent divorce as we’re defining it right now.

And for years, I think they were married 30 something years.

And she came to us by a referral.

And she just wanted to know with what information she had, what it could be, look what it would look like.

7:47

And when she found out that they actually had three times or four times the amount of money that they actually had because she didn’t understand the statements, the values and so forth, which, you know, don’t beat yourself up if that’s how you feel right now too, because we see attorneys who put the wrong information down.

But she started to cry, meaning, Oh my gosh, I can live on my own.

8:07

Like I’ll have more money living on my own.

Then he’s allowing me to tap into living married.

And I’ve been sitting here like following his every wish demand or what have you, because I felt so financially trapped.

And she, you know, then we got her with an attorney and she proceeded to get a divorce, but she was so relieved.

8:26

Imagine the stress of that for 30 something years and then to get the realization that OK, this isn’t husbands because it’s in his name, it’s still a marital asset.

It doesn’t matter whose name it is, and it matters when you acquired it and how you acquired it, if it’s marital or not.

8:43

Yeah.

And you can know that information so you can make a decision.

And sometimes, as we’ve seen, getting financial clarity sometimes means that you want to stay together.

Like sometimes it means you want to work on your marriage.

8:59

Sometimes it means I don’t want to work on my marriage.

Sometimes it means I don’t care if I have to reduce my lifestyle.

I want this freedom.

But you know what?

The alternative to not getting prepared and not knowing is you’re looking for that emotional fix or that relationship exterior to your marriage as a Band-Aid.

9:20

I call it a Band-Aid effect, and that’s not helpful to anybody.

No, you remember the other case.

Of course, I know you’re giving these great scenarios great things for people.

Not all I’m thinking of all the cases we’ve had, this other case, I’ll never forget this.

9:38

And this is when we had a actual physical location that you could come into and this woman came in and she has been living in now that there’s a term for it, silent divorce.

I didn’t know that term back in 2015 or whatever it was, but she came in and she wanted to know what her finances could look like post divorce, right?

9:58

And the reason she stayed in this long marriage and she’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship was because her fear was that her inheritance that she got from her mom would have been split with him because he had always told her, listen, when we get that money from your mom, we’re going to do this, this, this and this and this.

10:17

And she was so mortified by the thought of him getting it because her mom never even really liked him that she said, I can’t divorce him because I can’t give him half of that.

And when she found out after meeting with us and then and then confirming it with an attorney that this would not be a marital asset, she was like, hell, shit, I’m out of here.

10:33

You know, she just then moved forward to divorce because she was so trapped in what she was hearing from her spouse and she was used to those conversations that it just paralyzed her.

And listen, we’re not like you’re saying a second ago, our role is not to tell you to go get divorced.

10:51

Our role is to tell you that this is the financial components, this is the impact and the considerations to your decisions, and then you decide what you want to do with your life.

Yeah, and so many people.

Catherine, I’m going to do another one of my observations.

11:07

So.

Many people come to the table with the notion that, well, I don’t want to take my spouse’s XY or Z, and I only want what’s fair.

And I don’t want to take away from my spouse everything they’ve worked for and all of these preconceived notions that are frankly irrelevant.

11:29

Because you don’t need to think about that until you get clear on what’s on the table to divide.

And then you can make that decision about what if.

But so many people lead out almost in a self sabotaging situation, right?

11:44

You’re unhappy, but you want to qualify your unhappiness, and you don’t need to do that.

Well, you know, that’s the guilt.

Of course I have the Irish Catholic guilt.

And it’s also, I can remember my spouse saying to me, you know, whose other marriage do you want, Catherine?

Like, we have the best marriage.

12:00

We have a nice house, we have healthy kids, we have two dogs, we have nice cars.

Like, look at all these other couples.

Do you want their marriage?

And I’m sitting there thinking what?

I wonder if their spouses talk to them the way you talk to me behind the doors, right?

And all that stuff.

Nobody’s looking at all that stuff.

But I have so much guilt because I didn’t come from a divorced family, right?

12:19

So people that come in, hey, I’m coming to another scenario.

Very successful woman, corporate America in charge of bank.

She had so much guilt, but was she was so annoyed after her 30 something year marriage because her spouse stopped working.

And so but she thought, I just feel so guilty.

12:36

I’m so successful now.

What should I give him?

I should just give him, give him give him give him to get it done.

Well, when you start giving like that, the other side eventually has someone chirping in their ear and so they’ll keep taking, taking, taking more than you were actually intending to give.

And then how do you protect yourself?

12:52

So to your point, don’t jump ahead to give, give, give, give.

Find out what it would look like.

Look at one or two or three scenarios, and then give what you want.

But I like how we talk about what if this happened?

Well, what if this happened?

Or what if you thought about doing it this way?

13:10

Because then somebody gets to put the guilt aside and say, Oh, yeah, I better consider that because after divorce, what do I always say if you want to give your spouse more money, I’ll help you write the check.

And in all these years, not one person has come back and said, help me write that check.

13:27

Or even considered it, right, they may contribute more to the grandkids or all kinds of things.

But it.

Yeah, it’s resolved by then for sure.

Yeah.

And you know, you’ll decide if you’re in a relationship, you deserve that financial autonomy.

13:47

So whether you’re staying or going or leaving or whatever the IT may be, the relationship itself calls for the knowing of your financials in any relationship.

It’s so true.

And it’s never too late to change that relationship with money.

14:04

And you know, I was on the consult yesterday and he was the gentleman, the wife is the breadwinner.

And he he listened to all of our podcast and he couldn’t wait to talk to us and really wants us on his team and he’s hiring us.

But he’s so afraid of the pushback that he’s going to get from his spouse who is financially controlling him and has always and he admits that.

14:27

But his fear is just of all the unknowns.

And you know, for us, our approaches, you know, there is No Fear for asking for information.

This is your information.

And if somebody pushes back from you getting this data, then you know you need the data, right?

14:44

So any pushback you get should drive you to take the path that you’re following because your gut is true.

It’s it’s telling you the truth.

Every time, right?

And I know we spoke with a divorce coach recently and she expressed that very same thing.

15:02

It’s just that your gut whispers, right?

Yeah, good point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gosh, I can share personal stories about that too.

But again, we won’t do this on today.

Yeah.

So, you know, if you’re if you’re sitting there feeling trapped, we hear you.

15:22

We definitely get it.

You’re not alone.

But the first best step you could take for yourself, which we call step 0, is get financially prepared, get organized.

And even if you get organized and you still don’t want to move forward with a divorce, that’s it.

That’s up to you.

15:37

You know, we have no judgement.

But the best thing you could do for yourself is give yourself financial knowledge. 100%, So thanks for joining us.

Today’s conversation resonated with you.

Share this episode with someone who needs it.

And don’t forget your financial healing starts with clarity.

15:55

And as always, remember knowledge is power.

You’re always stronger than you think.

And we’ll see you next time on Divorce Explored.

We chat Divorce.

Don’t forget to share this episode, leave us a comment, Share your story so that we can share it with others so it helps other people.

16:12

And if you want to hear anything else from any of our topics or you want to recommend a topic, feel free to send us that as well.

Thanks for joining us on another episode of WeChat Divorce.

16:28

We hope this episode was informative and supportive on your divorce journey.

If you're looking for more support for navigating divorce with confidence and clarity, head over to azure-emu-499854.hostingersite.com/ for more podcast episodes, divorce events, and resources for your divorce.

16:46

We’ll see you back here for our next episode.